Guilty as Charged

When I joined Peace Corps, there were a lot of emotions I expected to experience during my service: excitement, anxiety, loneliness, compassion, exhaustion, frustration, happiness, satisfaction, etc.  You get the idea.  I expected my life to be a complete roller coaster of emotions, which of course it has been.  There can be an hour when I feel sky high as I'm teaching my pupils "Peel Banana, Peel Peel Banana", and then suddenly plummet into the depths of depressions sparked by any of the frustrations I face daily at work and home.

Yet, I never expected to feel guilty.  Guilty about what?  Hello, I did peace out on my whole family, put my whole life in America on pause to go work in a foreign place where I don't know a soul.  I don't mean to sound saintly or something, but seriously, I did make some sacrifices, so why in the world would I feel guilty about anything?  I can still remember the small group session in training about guilt to prepare us for coping.  Again, I thought, why would I feel guilty?!  

Ironically, in my group of volunteers out east with me, I'm the one that feels the most guilty about everything I do.  What do I feel guilty about?  Well, about nearly everything.  Everyday, I am trying to convince my community that I have no money to give them, that I'm a volunteer and no, I can't buy them a banana at the market.  And yet, I walk back to my comfy home with a gas cooker, tons of clothes, a box of medications and a variety of foods.  Keep in mind that the two bedroom house I'm living in is usually shared by a family of six if not eleven. 

I could never provide an exhaustive list of everything I feel guilty about, but I'll let you take a peek into my neurotic life:  I feel guilty every time I come home from Mbale with my special food I can't live without, such as Jif peanut butter and Jungle Oats.  I feel guilty for how much time I can spend talking on the phone to people at home.  On the other hand, I feel guilty that I'm not keeping in touch with people from home very well (sorry guys).  I feel guilty when I feel like I need just a few hours at home reading or taking nap, when I really should be out hanging out with my fellow teachers or neighbors.  I feel guilty that I don't feel safe enough to walk around at night, so I'm always at home by 7 pm sharp.  I feel guilty that I go for runs in the morning when people are making passive aggressive comments that if I have that much energy to burn, I should really be helping them dig in the gardens.  I feel guilty that I installed power in my house, which provides me with enough TV to keep me sane.  I feel guilty that I don't go to church on Sundays, but they're my Sundays, and I really just want to sleep and do chores.  I feel guilty that I leave most Saturdays to go to Mbale for internet, restaurant food and yogurt.  I feel guilty for begging my shop keepers to stock yogurt!  I feel guilty when I'm sitting at the front of a meeting as a special guest, but we're in hour six, I haven't eaten for eight hours, and I'm struggling to stay awake.  I feel guilty when I'm late going to school, but someone "kariboo"s me (as in welcomes me to their homes), and I just have to reply "ah, I'm going to school!".  I feel guilty when I'm at the borehole, and they let me cut the huge line of jerry cans because I'm somehow special.  I feel guilty when I've had a bad day, so I unload it on someone from America, who probably can't understand what I'm feeling, what's just happened, and can't do a thing to help me.  I feel guilty when I visit a school, and they run out to buy me a soda but can't afford to buy children books.  I feel guilty when a first grade teacher comes to me for answers on how to manage her large classroom of 200 five year olds, and I can't give her much of an answer.  I feel guilty when I listen to my iPod on a taxi.  I feel guilty when my friends come to my house, and we stay up late and are probably really loud, even though I live by a number of bars that have no qualms about blasting music until 3 am.  I feel guilty that I don't really ride my bike because the lack of traffic laws scare me.  I feel guilty that I wanted new cushions for my couch because the ones loaned to me looked like they were at least ten years old.  I feel guilty that everyone's expecting so much from me, when I'm not sure where to begin.  I feel guilty when I assume someone can't understand my English, so ask someone to help me translate to Lunyole and find out they can speak English.  I feel guilty that I am going to away this whole holiday in August for more Peace Corps training.  I feel so guilty for feeling so guilty...

In my first few weeks at site, the guilt was overwhelming, exhausting and stressful.  The guilt was so consuming, but I didn't know how to escape or how to deal with it.  Now, I'm slowly coming to terms with it.  I know that I try so hard to live my life as a fellow community member, but I didn't grow up in Uganda.  I'm totally American bred, and every once in a while, it feels good to watch a TV show before I go to bed.  For my to stay sane, I need to keep in touch with people at home.  I need to get a balanced diet to stay healthy.  In the end, if I'm not happy or healthy, I can't be a good volunteer.  I feel a lot better that even my neighbors comment, "Our family members have stayed in the big towns for too long.  They can't stay here a week without complaining about missing TV!"  There will be some things that I'll always do, just so my community knows that I'm trying: I always fetch my own water, I wash my own clothes, I take public transport, I help my neighbors shell peanuts, etc.

I still always wonder I must be so egotistical that I think everyone in my village cares enough to judge every little thing I do.  But honestly, I'm still pretty new and interesting, so I do think they're watching my every move.